By Zack Brewer
Senior Opinion Writer

Since the dawn of the automobile, nothing has been so widely sought after as a good parking spot. Whether it be in the middle of Times Square or on your grandfather’s farm, finding a place to store one’s car or mobile domicile nearly always proves to be difficult. Just like anything else of any consequence, there’s even an entire episode of “Seinfeld” devoted to parking—it’s that big of a deal, people.
This is why it brings me no great pleasure in reporting that our very way of life is being threatened. Not from overseas or D.C., but from our very own parking lots. Freshmen have, for the first time in the history of the universe, been allowed to have cars on campus (something I am not complaining about, though I did wish the same privilege had been offered to me). My real dissatisfaction comes in having the exact same parking “rights” as first semester students. And I’m not just upset because of the extra hundred feet I have to walk to my car, either.
Members of the Illuminated Class, and all those before it, were told we had to earn our parking spot and the right to keep our cars on campus. This was a rule that was heavily enforced and was, by all means, “a big deal” to the administration—something that I don’t necessarily agree with but can appreciate. And now? Well, it has fallen by the wayside, its removal not even worthy of an email.
Initially, freshmen were going to be asked to park in the back of the Cage, but that was dropped with neither fanfare nor any apparent reason. The purpose of the old parking rule was to help new students focus on their studies and make friends with upperclassmen—that, however, has been thoroughly abandoned. This begs the question “What rule will be thrown away next?” Please let it be dancing.
With this change comes the inevitable Mr. Joe Freshman in his brand new red Corvette and windbreaker swerving dangerously into the only available parking spot this side of the baseball field—the very spot that I earned with my GPA and credit hours and by being born earlier. Sophomores, when will we rise up against our automobilic oppressors and march down the uncluttered streets of Wilmore wearing our Freedom of Car Keepers banners in a movement for inequality?
So to all you freshmen out there, I’m happy for you and your cozy parking spot right where I wanted one. Really, I am. But if you so much as put your car into reverse, I will park my Malibu in your space so hard you won’t be able to see the asphalt. I will remove the engine and siphon out every last drop of gasoline. I will take the tires off and let it sit on blocks for the next two and a half years. I will never give it back. Mine.
Oh, who am I kidding? Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in the Cage.

Photo by Courtney LeMay. Zack Brewer poses in the James Street parking lot.