“Let’s agree to disagree.” It’s one thing to say those words, it’s another to put them into practice. Much of our time seems to be spent arguing with other people — in class, online and even with our friends and family.
However, arguments aren’t necessarily a negative occurrence. According to an article by the Guardian, a survey of almost 1,000 adults showed that “couples who argue effectively are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who sweep difficult issues under the carpet.”
The keyword here is effectively. In a perfect world, every argument would be acted out with complete respect, honesty, civility and empathy for the person on the other side of the issue. But in our world, arguments are typically much messier and nastier.
This begs the question: how do you carry out an effective argument? How can we debate in a way that improves our relationships with other people, instead of deepening the divide between the so-called “us” and “them?”
Step one: Don’t engage in a serious debate with someone you can’t see.
According to an article by Inc., the University of California at Berkeley and the University of Chicago conducted an experiment where “300 subjects read, watched video of, or listened to arguments about such hot-button topics.” After being exposed to these arguments, the subjects were interviewed about which opinions they disagreed with.
“There was a distinct difference between those who had watched or listened to someone speak the words out loud and those who had read the identical words as text,” wrote Inc. reporter Minda Zetlin. “Those who had listened or watched someone say the words were less likely to dismiss the speaker as uninformed or heartless than they were if they were just reading the commenter’s words.”
Even I, a journalist, must admit that the written word has its limits. Writing can express a certain tone and mood, but a person’s voice can convey their emotions more effectively (and more convincingly) than words found in a paper or on a screen. This is likely due to our personal biases. When you disagree with someone’s opinion, it’s easy to read malice and willful ignorance into their words, even if their point is eloquently made and based on reliable information.
So the next time you see a political Facebook post that sparks your ire, resist the urge to start a battle in the comments section. Instead, move on — and the next time you see that person in real life, consider having a civil discussion with them in person. While some people are every bit as bull-headed in person as they appear to be online, others will appreciate the chance to discuss their beliefs and learn more about yours.
As I said before, engaging in an argument isn’t a negative activity. When done properly, it gives you the chance to learn more about another person’s beliefs and understand them more fully, while also evaluating your own stance. Even in the case where someone comes up with a point you haven’t thought of before, it doesn’t mean that you’ve “lost” for good or been disgraced. It simply means that you need to work out the possible flaws in your logic and either adapt the specifics of your argument, consider the other person’s side more seriously or look for a third option that you haven’t already discussed.
Having a healthy debate isn’t a sin. But arguing with malice and hatred, so much so that you dehumanize your so-called enemy and lose all empathy with them, is a trap that Christians should avoid at all costs.
