“Sometimes you need to pumpkin spice up your life” – Unknown
It was 5 a.m. Like every morning, I wake up wishing I hadn’t.
But not today.
Today was a day to feel alive. The lifeblood coursing through my veins, electrified with energy. My knees buckle under the sensation of excitement (and, also because I forget that I lofted my bed, the constant impact shock of the floor takes a toll on my joints). But anyway, the very soul of my humanity, restored of hope because this, this was a day that justified my purpose and bolstered my eunoia.
This is not a nostalgic anecdote of my invigorating first day of college. The retelling of pure euphoria is not from the morning that I was accepted into my dream job, nor was it the day that the CPO told me my package was ready for pickup.
No. That day marked the start of Starbucks pumpkin spice seasonal items.
The latte. The cold brew. The pumpkin bread slice that can be bought to accompany any Pumpkin spice drink to make the flavor intake only slightly repulsive. Every ounce of seasoning, a gustatory rebirth.
In early 2003, Peter Dukes, along with a Starbucks team, gathered in the “Liquid Lab” to produce the company’s first pumpkin spice latte.
“Within the first week of the market test, we knew we had a winner,” said Dukes. “Pumpkin Spice Latte has become more than just a beverage, it has become a harbinger of the season.”
I firmly believe that Dukes will receive the biggest crown in heaven. For God to strategically place this gifted man in the “Liquid Lab” merely three years after my birth, so that I, the most unmotivated person to date (unless caffeinated), could make it to where I am today, is a tell-tale sign of spiritual miracles.
As opposed to “Starbs,” the Asbury HICCUP does not sell any pumpkin spice products until Sept. 1, which I find a bit tardy.
Yes, the notion of seasonal drinks allows the reintroduction of the products each season to be moderately special, but I would simply like to argue, “No.”
Allow the clientele to decide if they want a pumpkin spice latte in the blistering heat of August. Societally, we now have food delivery platforms such as “Doordash” and “Uber” for the unapologetically lazy individuals who cannot fathom getting in a car and driving seven minutes to a restaurant.
I am that lazy person. Do not make me venture out in the wake of dawn for a consecutive 45 minutes, not to mention the infuriating Jessamine County Middle School traffic jam that tests my anger management limits, to get a 12 ounce latte. It ruins my day before it has even started.
In the wake of all the astronomical advances that have catapulted society into nationwide vocational synergy and a more interconnected human condition, the HICCUP has not gotten the “anthropological enhancement” memo, apparently.
If cryptocurrency, a decentralized and virtual monetary system, is in the process of being built up as a mainstream form of global transaction by using digital coins, the HICCUP can order pumpkin spice syrup three weeks earlier, write it on the chalkboard menu, and sell it.
I described the sensationalistic feeling Starbucks had given me on the sacred day of Aug. 24, but I would like to paint a picture of how that same morning would have gone if I merely relied on the HICCUP and not the most renowned coffee shop in the world:
It was 5 a.m. Like every morning, I wake up wishing I hadn’t…
I rest my case.
