I sat in the passenger seat of my car, gaze fixated forward to avoid my friend’s gaze. They were in the driver’s seat, silent and waiting for me in case I needed to say anything else.
I respected that they didn’t rush me. Many thoughts were in my head, and every word I let hit the air had been spinning like a broken record for a few days.
We had a complicated conversation that I didn’t want to have necessarily, but it had been building up for a while. At that point, part of me felt like I had said everything I needed to, and I hope they got everything out in the open, too.
As we then hugged, and to be honest, I felt myself wanting to cry, a simple realization crossed my mind: friendships are hard.
When I was a kid, I never imagined friendships to be this way. You played together at recess, squealing with glee as you chased each other around the yard — the only thing you really worried about was if your parents let you be outside simultaneously.
Yet here, as a 21-year-old, I have dealt with many difficult situations with some of my friends. And even just a year ago, I don’t think I wouldn’t have handled this situation as well as I tried to now.
But later that night, another thought deepened my previous realization as I was driving off-campus to go home.
The best, most rich friendships are built off of the conversations like I had in the car. The ability to be vulnerable with people you trust because you care about them and they care about you is special and should be appreciated. And sometimes it’s not easy; conversations can be very hard — but for me, that conversation, I think, is what will preserve a friendship that I hope lasts a very long time.
Not only were we honest with each other, but we came to the same conclusion regarding boundaries. All friendships need them. I had been scared to use the word, but my friend assured me that boundaries can be a good thing.
After all, there are different levels to friendships. In his book, Making Friends, Making Disciples, author Lee B. Spitzer says there are five levels to friendships. There are non-friends, people you pass by that might know your name. Then, there are casual friends. Maybe you only talk during chapel or class. You say hi to each other but don’t get beyond surface level — and that’s okay.
Because then there’s the next level, your social friends, or the 7–12 people you spend a great deal of time with. You’ve known these people for a while; they know how to make you laugh, and you can always count on them to go with you to Cookout late on a Friday night. At this stage, I think of Jesus and his 12 disciples.
Yet, there are two more stages that go more in-depth and carry much more weight than the others. There are special friends, the three to five closest friends outside your center circle. They’ve walked with you during good and bad times, have poured into you, and you’ve poured into them. You are a part of each other’s lives and want to be present.
Then, finally, there are best friends; the most center of your circle with two or three dearest loved ones. For Jesus, most people would say Peter, James and John were his best friends. They witnessed significant events that the other disciples did not, such as the Transfiguration of Christ on the Mount in Matthew 17:1-2.
At every level, boundaries are needed. The deeper you get, the more you should understand each other’s boundaries.
My friend has been there during anxiety attacks and showed care when I was on the brink of death last year. They stay updated on my family, and they update me on theirs — we’re intentional because we care, but even more so, I think that’s why we understand the value of boundaries.
And even though boundaries can be hard to navigate, I would rather have one real and deep friend than 20 casual friends. That is not to say I don’t recognize the importance of friendships at all levels, but if you want special and best friends, an intentional investment must be made, which is hard but worth it.
If you are struggling with a friend, perhaps a roommate, don’t be afraid to lean on God, look at Jesus’ examples of friendship and let Him guide you through those deep car conversations. If you trust Him, He will reveal the people who are supposed to be in your life or maybe those who are meant to be there only for a season.
I couldn’t have had that conversation without God, and I wouldn’t have felt as much peace as I did if I had tried to avoid my friend or ignored the sign God had been giving me to check in with them. He’s going to use that conversation, I know it, and my friendship — while right now might be hard — will be okay.
