Have you ever wished that you could flip a switch inside yourself and see an instant change?
If you’ve felt this way, you’re not alone. I’m right there with you.
Paul’s frustration in Romans 7: 18-19 mirrors my own inner turmoil perfectly, the passage reading, “For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.”
When this year’s chapel theme was announced a few weeks ago, I must confess that it did not ease the storm raging inside of me.
When the student government announced that our campus would be focusing on becoming more like citizens of heaven and ordering one’s desires toward heart holiness, I was instantly filled with fear, dread and an intense awareness of how I’ve failed in these areas already. I’ve always felt underqualified and ill-equipped to pursue such things in the past, but at this point in my life, I’ve run out of excuses.
During my freshman year of college, I participated in a Bible study with the other girls on my cross-country team. That spring, we were reading a book called “Ruthless Trust: A Ragamuffin’s Path to God” by Brennan Manning. I cannot even begin to explain how much that book changed me. All I can say is that it opened my eyes to just how little I knew about myself and my God.
Manning’s words caused me to wrestle with trusting the Lord’s forgiveness of my sins on a whole new level. My journal became filled with anguish and shame as I worked through my inadequacies, weaknesses, and inability to accept God’s forgiveness of my imperfections. I grappled with unconditional love and the fact that God pursues me even when I commit the same sins over and over again.
A few days ago, God spoke to me as I facetimed my sisters for our weekly Bible study. As we took turns reading verses from Exodus 33, I realized that some of Moses’s struggles mirrored mine. The verses that stuck with me the most were 12-14, which read:
“Moses said to the Lord, “You have been telling me, ‘Lead these people,’ but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, ‘I know you by name and you have found favor with me.’ If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.” The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”
Sometimes I feel like Moses. I recognize the weight on my soul as a sign that God is asking me to trust Him and push outside my comfort zones, but I feel utterly incapable. I hate my weaknesses and loathe all the ways I fall short. I want instant change, yet all the Lord says back to me is, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”
God’s solutions to our problems are found through relationship and rest. He asks us to cease striving and simply rest in the knowledge of His unconditional love. He knows we are human and that giving us what we think we want, whether that be a formula or a bunch of rules on how to be a better Christian, will not fix the heart of the issue. This is why he includes us in His covenant and invites us into a relationship. If we don’t know our God and trust Him, we cannot be obedient when the going gets tough, and our desires run rampant.
As Christians, we are called to be like Jesus toward others, which means loving them into a redeemed lifestyle. But when will we accept God’s forgiveness for ourselves? When will we start loving ourselves into obedience and heart holiness? Where does our redemption story begin?
God will always affirm our goodness and understand our weaknesses. He did not create us to prove our worth, but to bring him praise and glory through all our victories and failures.
So next time you wish you could flip a switch inside yourself and experience instant change, remember to lean into the Lord. When you focus on resting in your relationship with your Heavenly Father, obedience, and thereby change, will come.
