The scene is set: women in gowns, dashing men, classical music. And then she sees him. Across the room, Mr. Darcy appears, setting his classic romance with Elizabeth Bennet into motion. In the days of Jane Austen, this was expected. But the dating scene has changed significantly in recent years, and not for the better.
Chivalry is dead—that’s what they tell us. But I’m not sure if I believe it; I like to think that it’s still hanging on, even if by a thinning thread. My own high standards when it comes to relationships are nonnegotiable: protective, emotionally aware, highly intelligent, charming and well spoken. Unfortunately, it seems that in recent years, these high standards have fallen to the wayside. The number of horror stories about romance that I’ve heard is unsettling. I hear of constant interventions among friends who settle for far less than they deserve. Whatever happened to expectations of chivalry and the classic gentleman? It seems that these days our meager leftovers are things like holding the door open for a woman. But even that is growing rarer, as women hold the door for each other and themselves. We are very capable of opening our own doors; we have made that very clear. But that doesn’t devalue the small gestures that men can make.
Part of the current problem is that the radical feminist movement is pushing chivalry off the scene, not caring if the door hits it on the way out. According to the Pew Research Center, 45% of Americans see feminism as polarizing. Radical feminism takes this even further, leading to more harm than good. In our pursuit of equality, women have forgotten the validity of the traditional male/female relationship. As Brett McKay, editor in chief of The Art of Manliness, says in an article for the New York Times, “Chivalry is not about either the inferiority or the lofty superiority of women. Instead, it can foster mutual respect.” Throughout history, we see that men are often naturally protective providers, while women are generally more in tune to emotional and relational needs. But men need to give up a little of their success for a woman, as Mr. Darcy does when he cares for Elizabeth and her family. And even Elizabeth, as stubborn as she is, realizes the need to give up some of her independence to be with the man she loves. Both need to give a little. If we remind men of their place as dependable providers in society and empower them to step up once again, chivalry can return. We can return to the days when a man could earn the respect of a woman without worrying about being too forward.
Mr. Darcy embodies a lesson that the modern man needs to learn. Darcy proposes not once, but twice. The first time, he knows what he wants, and he goes straight for it, even though Elizabeth has only ever insulted and fought back against him. He confesses his feelings knowing very well that there is a strong chance he could get hurt. Even after he is rejected, he writes her a letter, not to demand reciprocal love or attack her rejection, but to assure her that he will respect her decision. Even after all this, he still ends up proposing a second time at the end of the book. And this time…she says yes.
Darcy realized it’s the little things. It’s an invitation, a handwritten letter, a look from across a crowded room. Perhaps I’m too idealistic, but I think there is something there that we have lost, something that didn’t translate well into the 21st century. Because if you look around, this is not the scene you see playing out. What you see are unreciprocated feelings, confusion and fear.
A major problem for our generation is that relationships are very messy. They are undefined, complicated and convoluted. We are plagued by countless stories of miscommunication, or even disregard for communication altogether. Thus, we have entered the age of situationships. The problem is that we don’t talk about these things anymore. We no longer know where we stand with others. And the men are hesitant to approach a woman in a straightforward manner for fear of misperception or rejection. News flash: the women are terrified, too. This only leads to paralysis in both parties, a breeding ground for confusion and broken hearts.
We are in a relational-anxiety-ridden age. Many of these problems are represented even in modern-day Wilmore, Kentucky. I attend Asbury’s recently-formed ballroom dance club almost every Wednesday night, and I have noticed a trend. The men are very hesitant to dance with the women; they hold them at arm’s length. The first time they were told to ask a girl to dance, there was visible apprehension to the highest degree. How did we get to this point from the charming dances of Jane Austen’s age?
I mourn the lost art of romance. I don’t expect the men of Gen Z to suddenly shed their entire character and assume the full likeness of Mr. Darcy, but I do think that we could all learn a lesson from this timeless love story. We broke the mold; we tried it our way. But perhaps it’s time to admit that our way doesn’t work and make our way back to the times and the traditions of Mr. Darcy.
