Getting public school cafeteria food is always a risky decision. Sometimes it can be too greasy and other times it’s too dry; however, there is one time of the year when the food is actually quite delectable. I would not say I am a Thanksgiving food fanatic, but when I smelled the sweet and puffy bread rolls floating smoothly through my middle school’s cafeteria, you’d be likely to find me in the overstuffed lines waiting for the rare bussin’ taste of the caf’s food. And when I finally retrieved my plate filled with all the fixin’s, I’d plop my tray down and join my friends at their table.
My friends’ voices bounced around each other as I asked what was going on in the conversation. Snickers of “Nothing, don’t worry about it” waved me off as I sat with my plastic fork flopping around my plate. If you asked middle school me who I would invite to my friendsgiving table at that time, I would end up having the biggest party with the most people. I would spare no expense; I’d buy gifts and plan games and activities to make sure no one was bored. I would literally give my right arm if someone asked me for it. But as I get older, I find myself asking, even if I am willing to give my right arm, do they deserve it?
“I wasn’t listening because I don’t really care.” I picked at my rectangle-shaped pizza–for some reason public schools ignore the rules of food shapes. For the entire lunch period, I had actively listened to a friend grumble and complain about her problems, yet she found herself unable to hold attention for mine. “So, anyways, did I tell you-” She went on as I mentally felt myself shrink down. There comes a breaking point for people; sometimes it has to be a hit-on-the-head type realization, while on other occasions, it’s more like a slow burn. But in all cases, it’s harsh: the vast majority of people will face a toxic friendship.
I had accidentally stayed up all night thinking about every conversation we ever had. My eyes drooped as I tried to convince myself to sleep, but all I could do was stare at the ceiling wondering, “Am I worthy enough for this person’s friendship?” and “Why do I feel so worthless and used after I am around them?” Reflecting back on my desperate attempts to make connections with people who only cared about the attention I spoon-fed them, I realized I was stuck with people who were like the dry or greasy caf food that I forced myself to scarf down. However, even though I finally achieved this realization, I still could not find it in myself to stop the cycle.
In an article by Achieve Better ABA Therapy, titled “Friendship Statistics You Need to Know,” it states: “According to a study by the Pew Research Center, 61% of U.S. adults believe that having close friends is extremely or very important for people to live a fulfilling life. This percentage is higher than the shares who say the same about being married (23%), having children (26%) or having a lot of money (24%). These findings highlight the significant role that friendships play in people’s lives.”
I did not want to be alone, and for the longest time, I thought that if I left these friendships I would never find anyone else. But when the phrase “I’m too old for this” crawled into my 20-year-old head after reading yet another text from someone who always flaked out on me at the last minute, I could not allow this cycle to keep going. You should not be afraid of being alone, but rather you should fear never respecting yourself enough to leave these bad relationships. You swear that one time they did something nice, or at least you have someone to fill an empty space, when in reality, they are the empty space.
My homemade eight-hour cheesecake and charcuterie boards with sweet fresh bread is on a table set for just a few. If you asked me who I would invite to my friendsgiving table now, it would end up being just a handful of people who have let me lean on them in the hard times and who have celebrated with me in the triumphant times. It would be the ones who want to actively listen to me, even when I repeat myself. The ones who never make me feel like a burden. They don’t give me sleepless nights filled with anxiety because I don’t know my standing with them. They respect my time and efforts. But most importantly, they let me do the same for them too. We equally care for each other.
Finding genuine friends is not a task for the faint of heart. You might even have to wait in an overstuffed line that keeps serving dry and greasy foods. But if you are patient, there will be a day when you get something that was worth the wait.
