Parents need childfree friends — and so do their children

For many college students, the decision to have kids or not is on the horizon. I don’t mean to scare you with this. Given that most of us are in our early 20s, there are about 10 years before any biological roadblocks pop up for those of us who menstruate. Now that birth control is mostly available and abortion is legal (with no gestational limit) in 29 states, getting pregnant and having kids is a choice. And this is a good thing! Having a community that is a mix of parents, childfree couples and singles benefits everyone involved. 

The most obvious benefactors are parents, who can be supported by childfree people in the raising of their kids and in retaining their sense of identity outside of “mom” or “dad.” The African proverb “It takes a village to raise a child” holds true. In the past, much of this “village” has been extended family. However, Americans live in multi-generational homes much less than they did 100 years ago, as Steven Ruggles shows in his study “The Decline of Intergenerational Coresidence in the United States, 1850 to 2000.” Now, this village has the opportunity to be populated by childfree adults. While extended family helping parents in the raising of their kids is wonderful, having peer support offers its own benefits. A friend can joke around with you and talk about normal, adult things with. This is a welcome divergence from the constant dialog of “please stop licking doorknobs,” “usually we don’t call strangers ‘very hairy’” or “no, you can’t drink that puddle” parents of young children say. Maintaining the sanity of parents is a very important role.

This “childfree by choice” group has been largely misunderstood and disparaged. They don’t hate kids; many of them are excited to play a role in children’s lives. In her article for The New York Times, titled “I Love the Kids in My Life. And I’m Raising None of Them,” author Glynnis MacNicol says “It is humbling to be loved by children and to be seen by them. They ground you in the day-to-day like nothing else.” This picture of a reciprocal, loving relationship with children is attractive, and for good reason. Unburdened by a fully developed brain and not yet socialized out of saying exactly what they mean, children offer a unique perspective and love. My friend Taylor Boss, who is ambivalent about having kids of her own, said “I care a lot about kids and I’m really excited when I hear about people who are passionate about wanting to be parents.” She went on to say “I would want to be a part of the lives of my friends’ kids, because I do care about them.” I hope my friends love getting to know my kids in the future. It’s another way for pre-existing friendships to develop and deepen!

Lastly, children benefit from having adults in their lives that aren’t their parents. While not much research has focused on young children, it’s clear that having an extra pair of arms to feed or hold a child helps their physical needs get met more quickly and consistently. When it comes to adolescents, their emotional needs are better met when they have more people to go to. Having non-parental adults available to listen to and advise them helps these teenagers develop into adults. In his 2007 publication, “Social networks in youth & adolescence,” Steve Cotterell found that young people, specifically ages 17-18, benefitted from having adults in their lives other than their parents as it helps “stretch their social skills” from the usual demands of relationships with parents and peers. Parents can and should offer guidance to their kids, but they can only share one perspective. Most young adults rebel from or question their parent’s beliefs, and wouldn’t it be better for them to hear a different worldview from a trusted adult who knows them well?

The choice to have kids or not is a big one; please consider carefully before jumping into a lifestyle that you don’t want or don’t feel called to. There is no universally correct choice here, it’s different for everybody. As a person who wants to have kids in the future, I am so glad I have friends who won’t. Being a parent is a beautiful and hard thing, and so is choosing to pursue a career or other opportunity instead.

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