Why do I put my self-worth in the world of academia when I refuse to put all of myself in academia? Why am I letting my artistic credentials be tarnished by briefly lacking inspiration?
I wrote a paper in twenty minutes that I was initially exuberant to write when it was assigned. Study materials are neglected and not accessed until the night before a test. Some weeks, I am embarrassed when The Collegian issue comes out because I fail to conjure inspiration for a piece that I was passionate about or that people would like.
A-level grades turn to B’s. I start to believe that I am an inadequate writer, and I am led into a counterintuitive self-exploration laced with existential dilemmas and self-deprecation.
I am at college to learn, but how can I possibly learn and perform all expectations of me with a self-induced mental blockage?
Recently, in a meeting with an adviser of mine, I said to her that creative expression through writing is of the utmost vitality to adolescents and teenagers because, “It doesn’t matter if anyone likes it or, even if you like it; It matters that it means something to you.”
I feel as though I am contradicting my doctrine of performance to an extent. I explosively crumble up a piece of yellow-lined paper if it does not have the imagery that I need to tell a story effectively. I want to delete the introduction to this article because it lacks the “intellectual” diction in my head that I cannot seem to put on paper.
It only matters that your work “means something to you,” unless its components aren’t reaching the standard that you have set for yourself.
I listen to the same classical album when I write my opinion editorials, just as I did in February. Should I have moved on and been inspired by another melody? Or am I stuck in the same intellectual wavelength that had originated my path to creativity?
I have not gotten any better, I feel.
I am halted from putting out my best work. If I fail to produce a controlled, progressive growth in my work, whether in academia or art, my contribution to society is lost.
Every time I read or skim assigned books for classes, the notion of neglecting every line of information burdens me. I am fulfilling my academic poor performance conduct and keeping myself from peak intellect.
So, I continue to learn nothing and produce subpar work that barely gets me by.
I cannot seem to shake my “it’s good enough” mentality with my writings, but am I doing myself a disservice by concretely labeling my work as “good enough” rather than possibly being good?
If I drastically changed my academic doctrine and applied myself, I would have a perfect GPA and write articles that could be tweaked and gain traction from a major newspaper. Am I holding myself to a more fictitious level of accomplishment rather than what is realistic?
Or, maybe because of all that I am involved in, it is improbable to maintain academic and artistic perfection, even with working more than is expected.
I would say, to all of this chaos and academic unfulfillment, that one must be prepared to produce bad work as much as they produce good.
More times than expected, an individual must simply write for a deadline, not study for an exam, or give no thought prior to an important meeting.
To take my first rhetorical question for an example, the lack of me placing all that I can muster into academia- the aspect in which I wager my self-worth- is forcing me to believe that I will never reach my true potential.
There is a strong disconnect in what I ask of myself. I have the conscious awareness that I am not trying my hardest, but for a unknown reason, I am still manipulating myself into believing that my worst that I put out is really the best that I can possibly contribute.
Realize that perfection is laced in imperfection and it is truly impossible to 100% give yourself to everything. The work that you usher out, whether you believe it to meet your excessive personal standards, or not, is still drastically important to your intellectual and artistic growth.
So, continue to submit and create some of your less-than-perfect work. In fact, I encourage it. You will not be any less of a vocational asset, creative maestro, or purposeful societal contributor, you are simply human.
